Questions from A Virgin

Starr Cochran

Recently a young man interested in me as an older woman, reached out to me through a dating app. Not the first much younger man to reach out, but he was my first virgin. He asked a lot of questions (via text; we never met), which got me to asking myself a lot of questions about intimacy. How does one learn about all of that? Hell, how does one even explain chemistry to a virgin?

Thinking back on my early sexual experiences they were…well…boring. No one’s fault really. We’ve all fumbled our way through kissing, sucking, tweaking, and riding a few someones towards the elusive goal of the most amazing sex. The kind of sex we’ve watched on the big and little screens, heard about, read about, fantasized about.

Think about the best you’ve ever had. Close your eyes. What made it good for you?

If I were to venture a guess, I would say it was because the four Cs came together.

First comes concupiscence…physical attraction…not defined by someone else’s standards, but ours. It is what we take in with our eyes. It’s immediate, without thought. It is there…or not.

Chemistry comes next or perhaps simultaneously as physical attraction. It’s a sexual sizzle that we feel…everywhere. One of those things we can’t describe but know it when it’s present and it’s different for everyone.

Connection goes beyond the superficial. Connections are heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul on however many dimensions we share with one another. There’s no magic number. The number doesn’t matter. What does is the depth of that connection.

Then there’s compatibility… in this case the sexual kind. I’m not dismissing the other types of compatibility but come on, we’re talking about great sex here. It’s about being in tune, in the moment, wanting to please each other, listening to words and moans and signals so that two are one in a beautiful sexual symphony or crazy ass rock concert…your choice.

If you’ve been lucky enough to have experienced the first three then the last one is easy. Be all in. Let yourself go. It’s never too late to enjoy the best sex of your life!